A cold and snowy day

The weather forecast for today said snow showers with gusty winds. A perfect setting stage for christmas eve. A time to spend time at home with friends and family, drinking wine and having sumptuous dinners. Certainly not the time to venture outside and go for a run. That's exactly what I did.

Just a few days back, I watched a movie called Ultramarathon Marathon Man : Endurance 50. It was about a crazy guy called Dean Karnazes who vowed to run 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 consecutive days and he did it. He is a very humble and down to earth guy who just loves running really really long. He also happens to be my personal hero. He wrote a book called Ultramarathon man : Confessions of an all night runner. Being a big fan of his I decided that I needed to get this book. And what better way than to run to the book store and get it.

On a whim I put on my running shoes. Donned my winter running gear and off I went. I ran the 6 miles from university to the Barnes and Noble store in the waterfront. It was cold and snowy, and there were many moments when I wondered what the hell was I doing. The part where I ran on the bridge connecting homestead over the river was splendid. I was running with the wind , so the snow flakes seemed still, suspended in the air. I finally got to the store, my face flushed with the cold. I walked up to the store lady and asked her about the book. There was just one copy left. I felt like I had totally earned this book and paid homage in my own little way to the great man that is Dean Karnazes.

Idealism regularized by pragmatism

It is now exactly half a year, since I wrote my last blog. These last 6 months have been the hardest in my life so far. I was buffeted by gale force winds from every aspect of my life, whether professional or personal. At the end of it all I am so worn out that I feel just painlessly numb. Even an all night session of online poker did not succeed in bringing me out of limbo.

I like to believe that I am a pragmatic idealist. This means that I try to uphold certain principles as long as they are reasonable. For example, I will use the dishwasher even if it wastes water. In any situation I can come up with these "pragmatically idealistic principles" in my head. Some of them are rule-based with many if-then-else clauses. In the last 6 months, I have had many personal battles with the voices in my head. Quite like the red devil vs the white angel. I have been pushed around so much, that at some point I think I stopped caring. The flame of passion and the light of idealism died. I no longer cared to formulate these well reasoned pragmatically idealistic principles and I went where the currents dragged me.

I feel exhausted. Like a marathon runner who has hit the wall at the 15th mile. I don't know what lies in my future. I feel like falling, free falling and not in the skydiving sort of way.