Sunday, December 5, 2010
Idealism regularized by pragmatism
It is now exactly half a year, since I wrote my last blog. These last 6 months have been the hardest in my life so far. I was buffeted by gale force winds from every aspect of my life, whether professional or personal. At the end of it all I am so worn out that I feel just painlessly numb. Even an all night session of online poker did not succeed in bringing me out of limbo.
I like to believe that I am a pragmatic idealist. This means that I try to uphold certain principles as long as they are reasonable. For example, I will use the dishwasher even if it wastes water. In any situation I can come up with these "pragmatically idealistic principles" in my head. Some of them are rule-based with many if-then-else clauses. In the last 6 months, I have had many personal battles with the voices in my head. Quite like the red devil vs the white angel. I have been pushed around so much, that at some point I think I stopped caring. The flame of passion and the light of idealism died. I no longer cared to formulate these well reasoned pragmatically idealistic principles and I went where the currents dragged me.
I feel exhausted. Like a marathon runner who has hit the wall at the 15th mile. I don't know what lies in my future. I feel like falling, free falling and not in the skydiving sort of way.